First off (number one) men, above all else, are desperate to display themselves as staunch liberal Trump haters, so without fail they say something to effect of, “If you voted for Trump, swipe left.” 

            I get that everyone feels incredibly impassioned in the wake of the political outcomes of the last several years, but can anyone leave politics out of online dating for even a split second? Whether, or not, you agree with, or have major reservations about the polarized climate that has resulted from Trump taking office, a blanket statement like that, is unappreciated. If there are specific issues, then fine. Address those to your therapist, in your own time, but it’s very immature to bring up your disapproval in a throwaway line that isn’t even completely serious. And if it serious, how dare you men waste room writing your condemnation in the small space designated for personal expression. 

            There’s no room; don’t waste our time!

            Is that too much to ask??

            It’s bad enough that everyone’s inundated with such topics every minute of every day anyway, but LEAVE IT ALONE ON TINDER. The second I see any mention of Trump, of any political figure, or of any self-righteous moral agenda to be debated I immediately swipe left. Such discussions are irrelevant to me, as I just search for a new date to grab a drink with. I refuse to discuss red-button topics over an app with men I don’t even know. 

            And once I take a step back to reflect on the realities of this state I realize that probably a lot of this is mentioned to appeal to a female sensibility. If any man really wants to get to the bottom of an issue he should discuss, or write about, such subjects in a sober, stress-free environment, not as an entrée into a relationship, or hookup, or whatever he’s looking for.

(Number two) Another overused line from men on Tinder/Bumble is when they remark, 

                                    “Not here for a hookup.” 

I guess you can believe him? 

            You probably can because those guys looking solely for a roll in the hay, or many casual rolls in hay (also known as ENM (ethical nonmonogamy)), tell you that up front.

                        It’s helpful to know what everyone’s true motivations are.

So, thank you, men, for being so honest about your exploits. 

After all, we’re all in New York.

No time to waste here.

Now I’m going to take a long, hot shower to wash all of your griminess off of me.

 I’ve never felt so dirty. Thanks so much.

            (Number three)And then there are two mentions that always boggle my mind. A guy will say he “loves to travel.” And he goes on to prove to you that he does by giving you an exact number of countries he’s visited.

            Now, WHA?????

            How does naming the number of countries he’s ever been to tell me anything about his supposed “love of travel”? He’s telling you precisely the kind of person you don’twant when he does this. 

            This isn’t a man who’s cultured and who is taking in the rituals/values of the places he visits.

            Hell NO!!

            This is a man who thinks he impresses merely with numbers. There’s no learning about new ways of life; there’s just accumulating stamps on a passport.

            As I asked one potential date with whom I matched, how does the fact that he stated, “I’ve traveled to 23 countries,” keep me from assuming that he happened to have 20 layovers in countries that he never visited past their airports? 

He responded with a  “LOL,” but still never answered the question.

But even if he had visited each country beyond its airport, what would that even mean?? 

Does he think that amassing multiple country stopovers is hot to women? 

To make 23 drive-by visits to countries he never got to know…

That’s impressive?

(Number four) Now this next one I had no clue about until I first Googled, and then visited “The Urban Dictionary” about it. Here it goes, so many guys reveal on their profiles that they are “left-handed.” I didn’t understand the significance of this before I read about it.

            But to be honest, even after analyzing I’m still not swayed into liking it.

            I guess some guys are so desperate for positive personal intel to share on their profiles that they will resort to sharing pros about themselves that they, themselves, had no control over in the first place. 

            From what I read on “Zoosk,” “Leftys know how to adapt,” and from there we can assert, living in a predominantly right-handed world will do that for a lefty. Just as growing up handicapped will force one to be resourceful in other ways, so will growing up being non-dominant handed. So brilliant.

            That’s it; I see the light.

 And as this is their situation, just imagine how patient and accommodating they will be to you, their potential love interest? They’ve lived hard lives, those leftys! 

They deserve our sympathy.

            So great, leftys are more apt to reach out and hold your hand on the street because their arm aligns better with your right hand…

            Well,as Chris Farley’s character, Matt Foley, the motivational speaker, had said on Saturday Night Live in 1993, 

                                                “la-di-frickin-da!”

So what your hands align when walking???

 And you give him a pass because his life has been fraught with hardship over being a lefty in a righty world????

Then go ahead and date him. Sure, date a lefty just because he’s a lefty.

He’s struggled. He can certainly handle you.

Hey, it’s your life.

(Number five)Next, and these kinds of mentions irk me to no end. Approximately one in every four profiles of men who claim to be exactly six feet tall will list their height as 5’12”.

Now, what is the point of this??

            Is this yet another ill-fated attempt to be “cute” and “endearing,” as if to shy away from the number “6” and to hide behind a “5”? Do these guys think they are so tall that it’s only human of them to play down some vastdimension and to list a height in a way that doesn’t even exist? 

Do they think this is funny…or sweet? Do they?

            Good for them because I don’t.

                                                Not. At. All.

(Number six)And finally, many of the profiles I’ve been reading reveal how the male suitors “Love to cook, as [they] enjoy leading healthy lifestyles.” 

I get it.

            Again, these profiles are meant to appeal to women.

                                     I’m no dummy. And of course by “I,” I mean, “we.”

We get it.

You’re a master chef who exercises and eats his greens. How original…

                                    And finally, I’ll end with some humor.

One profile I found amusing chose to take an original self-deprecating approach to dating through apps. 

He describes himself in this way…
“A cross between Toby McGuire and Robert Downey Jr. without any of the charisma.”

My moral to this dating app racket: If the profile is the same format for everyone, do something slightly different and slightly more self-effacing, so you’re remembered.

(In spite of his self-effacing comment, I didn’t remember that guy.) 

                        *He must not have been very good- looking. (Ha)